Sleeping in different rooms
how small things define relationships
In our relationships we keep seeking equilibrium.
The success of bonds is the success of reconciling opposing views. In my marriage, everything which needs a decision has to pass the Tanu test. We in the family might protest and whine, but her decision is largely the one which stays. (It’s another matter that however much we may protest, her instincts on things are invariably right!) Even on things like the place to eat out to, gifts to be given, clothes to buy, people to invite, and thousands of other decisions which have to be taken on a daily, often hourly, basis, her decision is the one we run with.
How did this come by? I think personalities find their means.
The dynamics of egos pays a huge role. Strong personalities which are unrelenting in their opinions will bludgeon their way to decisions. The better ones discuss it and come to a consensus, however unsatisfying it might be to one of them. The way we work is that we give our views, scream and shout, and then go along with what Tanu says! Still others don’t want to make an issue of a decision, particularly when it involves arguments. And then there are the ones who just don’t give up on what they want, which results in divisions.
I see the last one in play in so many ways. Say, one of the couple-partners wants the air conditioner on and the other the fan. There is no relenting, and one of them walks off into another room to sleep with the AC on. To me, this seemed to be a tearing away, but to Tanu it seemed the way of the world, how modern relationships find their balance. But my question always is - (as in this case) what if there was no extra room?
Because embedded in such decisions is the subliminal message - what do you value more and how do you see your relationship? For me it would be to sleep beside the person I love; for others it could be the comfort of a night. Maybe a good night’s sleep would do the relationship a world of good. But in a subtle way did the couple miss a beat somewhere?
Because in this entire imbroglio what seems to be missing is that element which we do often ignore but which really forms the velvety spine of a bond - grace.
Because in grace lies acceptance, giving in more than giving up, absorbing rather than acknowledging, revelling in rather than rebelling against. Grace is what we feel when we give it. Grace is what fills our being in seeing the happiness in another.
So many dismal relationships can be less acrimonious if only they realise that a couple’s daily lives are not skirmishes seeking new battlefields, they are not crusades seeking carnage, they are not egos with knives out - they are merely hungry souls seeking a peaceful night in, their head tucked into the shoulder pad of someone they have come to love as much as they love life. And if that be the weather vane, every decision comes by fairly effortlessly.
I thought this would be an appropriate poem here!
And how a film has delineated love in gorgeous ways!
"Because in grace lies acceptance, giving in more than giving up..."
The greatest event for me on that Sunday morning were these words of yours, Sunil ❤️
Finally, it is these small things that matter and are remembered. That’s what memories are made of.